I’m back in Auckland now but last week I spent several days in Island Bay, a suburb of Wellington on the Cook Strait. This photo is was taken about five minutes from the house that I will most likely be subletting a room from. It’s pretty much a done deal, although I am waiting to hear back from the people I stayed with just to know for certain. It’s a far cry from the noisiness of Grey Lynn, where Im currently living.

Ive always said that I hated the suburbs, and would never live in one. In Toronto, that’s true. But here in New Zealand, suburbs arent the sprawling masses of car-centric insanity that they are at home. Here, they are more like neighbourhoods than anything else. I was trying to think of what a NZ-style suburb would be at home, and I realized that we totally had the same thing! We just called them “neighbourhoods” : Roncesvalles, Lesieville, Parkdale, The Annex. These would all be termed inner-city suburbs.

What I loved about Island Bay was how remote and quiet it was. It only takes 25 -40 min (depending on time of day) to get into the downtown core by bus, so the same distance as it used to take me on the streetcar in Toronto, but here Im right on the beach, and not across the street from a halfway house!

The Cook Strait is about a five minute walk from the house, at most. The southernmost tip of the North Island, on a clear day you can see the mountains on the South Island looming majestically across the water. When my friends first told me that you could see the South Island “peeking up” over the horizon, I was expecting to see little points of land masses. Instead, when the skies finally cleared, I was treated to a sight of proper mountainy goodness! I couldnt believe it. I had to stop (I was out running) and stare at them for at least 10 minutes to make sure my eyes werent playing tricks on me. At first I thought I was seeing clouds, but when I realized they werent moving, I knew. I didnt take this photo, but this is pretty much what I saw (although this photo was taken in winter so there is much more snow on them than now, as it’s summer here). Neat huh? As soon as Ive settled in and made some money, Im going to take the ferry across to Picton so I can see the mountains up close. Never having seen one before, Im excited that it’s so close to Welly.

So Wellington. I cant wait to move. Auckland has one appeal to me right now, and that it’s where my friends live; they’re the only
thing I thing I will miss about this city. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very pretty place, but it isnt for me. Maybe I made wrong choices that lead me to feel so unhappy here, or maybe it was never meant to be my second home. All I know is that I cant wait to leave here. Im tired of not working, of not having enough money. Im tired of stressing about every little thing. Yesterday my flatmate and I had a massive fight about him renting out my room (he seemed to feel that he could give me an hour’s notice of a viewing, and that I would be okay with this. At 10am on a Sunday, not even 12 hours after Id returned from Wellington after a 15 hour bus trip), so now Im pretty much hiding in my room to avoid further confrontation. I’m tired of the drunken munters carousing down my street at all hours of the night. Im tired of the sound of cars from what is probably the second busiest street in the neighbourhood. Im tired of the mosquitos, the cicadas, and today the rooster crowing at 6am. But most of all, Im tired of feeling all of these things. Life is too short to live somewhere you arent happy, and my time in NZ is shorter still.

I know that perception is reality, life is what you make it, and like attracts like. I know that because I cant help but dwell on these things, it’s actually making it worse. Ive been trying really hard to remain positive and not post how Ive been feeling, but I think that by bottling it up inside, and not being honest about how things really are in my life, Im making it worse. So yeah, moving to New Zealand has been harder than I ever expected. I knew it wasnt always going to be easy, but I honestly didnt think it would be like this. That I would be shut up in my room most of the day bc I hated hanging out in the living room of the house, and couldnt afford to go out and experience this amazing city (bc really it is, but it’s expensive). I didnt think that after almost four months, I would have seen none of the things I wanted to (like travel around the South Island, and go up to the Northland). I know that I misused my first month here, when I had the money to do these things, but that doesnt help me now.

Having been given the three-month extension on my work visa (and it has been extended, I called NZ Immigration to be sure), I feel like Im being given a gift to set things right in my life. It’s why Im moving to Wellington. I should have moved here in January, truth be told, but I wanted to be near the Kiwis. After not seeing them for so long, it seemed wrong to not be in the same city while I was here. So I tried sticking it out here, and Ive loved being able to see them whenever I want, but I have to do what’s right for me, and for now, that means moving south.

There was a moment last week, while I was in Wellington, that I completely broke down. Id had a few interviews, but hadnt heard anything back from any of them. Id not been able to find anything else. I was at the house I was staying in, and trying to sleep bc I was so tired and weary, yet one of the flatties was blaring music. Normally this wouldnt have bugged me as it was in the late afternoon, but Id been napping and it woke me, and the frustration it caused brought everything to a head. I bawled and bawled. I just felt so miserable. For the first time since coming to New Zealand, I thought about coming home. At the moment, I have a ticket that leaves April 6, all I would have to do is tuck my tail between my legs and board the plane. Sure, I have no money and nowhere to live or work in Toronto. But I could stay with friends and family until Id sorted things out.

But what good would it do me? What would I have learned? That I couldnt hack the hard stuff, I guess. I realized later on (yesterday actually, while chatting with Rhonda), that by coming home now I would be denying myself of all of the experiences that I *know* this country has to offer me. I just have to get through this incredibly hard time. Yes, I only have $200 in my bank account, and that Im back to pestering my clients to pay me the other $800 Im owed. And no, I dont have a job in Wellington. But I can find one, even if it means working at the grocery store until I can find something more appropriate so that I can pay my bills. I just have to tough it out.

Ive been in bad spots before: a divorce, bankrupcy, career change, shattering breakups… but I have always emerged the other side stronger for it, and often in a better place than I was before. This time its just scary because I have no safety net, and while I may think I know the rules down here, I dont. So yeah, it’s messy.

Anyway, this is perhaps the longest post I have written on my blog in years. This is definitely a case where Ive written this more for myself than for anyone else, so if you’ve managed to make it all the way to the end, thanks.

Possibly related posts:

1. Advice on moving to Godzone